Monday, January 31, 2005
$$,$$$ ! ! !
In our more cultured society we have moved away from old traditions of hunting and gathering food stuff to the more delicate practice of hunting and gathering grant funding. The elusive and endangered grant monies require deftness of ability and much patience. They rarely come when called and can change or disappear altogether without warning.
I am so overwhelmed by the process of begging for money. You flash the cash and suddenly I am "underrepresented" and "in need" and threatened as a woman in a male dominated field.
blah.
I don't think any of those things have held me back in the past (despite constant assurances from those-who-know that they have), and I don't anticipate letting them hold me back in the future. But, money is a good thing to have, and a history of being funded is better, so I will deface myself on the alter of underrepresentation repeatedly as necessary in order to earn my keep.
May the monitory gods smile upon my humiliation.
I am so overwhelmed by the process of begging for money. You flash the cash and suddenly I am "underrepresented" and "in need" and threatened as a woman in a male dominated field.
blah.
I don't think any of those things have held me back in the past (despite constant assurances from those-who-know that they have), and I don't anticipate letting them hold me back in the future. But, money is a good thing to have, and a history of being funded is better, so I will deface myself on the alter of underrepresentation repeatedly as necessary in order to earn my keep.
May the monitory gods smile upon my humiliation.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
research as a time lapsed reward system
I just got my teaching assignments for the next few semesters; I'm moving irrevocably into the realm of the general instructor. I'm so excited and scared. I don't want to do the stupid things my teachers did, but I know I will.
There is such a difference between the long drawn out measured reward from research compared to the immediate rush of seeing a classroom full of students grasp a concept. I feel so full-bones passionate about these topics, I want them to experience even just a glimpse of that. I want them to wonder at the combinations of some silly statistic to the most ephemeral behavioral process and see how solid the outcome is. I want to teach them to think.
If nothing else, I want them to think.
There is such a difference between the long drawn out measured reward from research compared to the immediate rush of seeing a classroom full of students grasp a concept. I feel so full-bones passionate about these topics, I want them to experience even just a glimpse of that. I want them to wonder at the combinations of some silly statistic to the most ephemeral behavioral process and see how solid the outcome is. I want to teach them to think.
If nothing else, I want them to think.
Monday, January 24, 2005
The great conference experience
I am so exhausted.
This weekend was my very first great conference: SPSP. My poster went smoothly, I was treated quite rudely by another student for questioning his masters, and I got to see David Buss [evolutionary psych guru] speak. The great names strutted like the psych gods they perceive themselves to be, and the rest of us fought over the remaining fifteen minutes (questions held 'til the end).
The most interesting thing I noticed was that if you end your talk by saying thank you, they clapped for you. If you didn't, they didn't. There was no obvious relation to the quality of the talk. Yay for social norms.
The best part over all was spending four days in New Orleans. What a great city!
This weekend was my very first great conference: SPSP. My poster went smoothly, I was treated quite rudely by another student for questioning his masters, and I got to see David Buss [evolutionary psych guru] speak. The great names strutted like the psych gods they perceive themselves to be, and the rest of us fought over the remaining fifteen minutes (questions held 'til the end).
The most interesting thing I noticed was that if you end your talk by saying thank you, they clapped for you. If you didn't, they didn't. There was no obvious relation to the quality of the talk. Yay for social norms.
The best part over all was spending four days in New Orleans. What a great city!
Friday, January 14, 2005
where is the ease in normality
In order for science to be credible it must both explain and predict. Big grand theories that act like magic security blankets to comfort us with siren songs of normal, normal. It's okay that you didn't help that old man who fell on the subway at your feet, it's normal. Statistically significant to p = .04.
What does this take away from the experience of humanity? Does knowing that the earth is held to the sun through gravitational forces deplete the grandeur of a sunrise? Sunrises are constant. normal.
I'm not distressed by the effect of science on the human condition; human psyches are resilient. I'm concerned about the sum of all variations on this theme. If all people are effected slightly, cultures change drastically. Are we lashing ourselves to the mast of a ship headed in the wrong direction?
If all we do to steer is to point our nose toward what's comfortable and normal, all we get is a regression towards the mean. normal. status quo.
In order to be credible, we must be our own theories. Lead by example. It's like painting the boat while you're standing in it.
What does this take away from the experience of humanity? Does knowing that the earth is held to the sun through gravitational forces deplete the grandeur of a sunrise? Sunrises are constant. normal.
I'm not distressed by the effect of science on the human condition; human psyches are resilient. I'm concerned about the sum of all variations on this theme. If all people are effected slightly, cultures change drastically. Are we lashing ourselves to the mast of a ship headed in the wrong direction?
If all we do to steer is to point our nose toward what's comfortable and normal, all we get is a regression towards the mean. normal. status quo.
In order to be credible, we must be our own theories. Lead by example. It's like painting the boat while you're standing in it.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Monochromatic
Word of the day: impervious.
The fog has shrunk my world down to a square, but rather than feeling trapped I feel as if it is protecting me from the rest of the world out there somewhere. I have this internal sunshine today, probably left over from an interesting weekend and a good moment spent at a wall away from time.
But now I must turn back to academic endeavors and consider deadlines and such; the teaching of eager minds wondering what the fuck they were thinking signing up for such an early class.
Thank god my office has a coffee maker!
The fog has shrunk my world down to a square, but rather than feeling trapped I feel as if it is protecting me from the rest of the world out there somewhere. I have this internal sunshine today, probably left over from an interesting weekend and a good moment spent at a wall away from time.
But now I must turn back to academic endeavors and consider deadlines and such; the teaching of eager minds wondering what the fuck they were thinking signing up for such an early class.
Thank god my office has a coffee maker!
Monday, January 03, 2005
Grand masochistic rush via extreme procrastination
I had four major things to do this break, and here is it basically two days before collegiate life begins again and I haven't even started one. Strangely enough, I'm not panicking. This suggests to me that either 1) my panic mechanism is broken, probably from over use, or 2) I have deluded myself into thinking that two days is plenty of time [classic psychological defense].
Actually, two days would be plenty of time if I were still functioning at the pace I was at pre-break, but truth is, the combination of unstructured days and an anorexic to do list have spoilt all that. I am cognitively flabby. Binged to bursting on cable TV and 10 hours of sleep a night. It’ll take a week at least to get back into the wimpiest semblance of fighting form.
It was suggested to me recently that an optimum use of time is a warm up for fifteen minutes, on topic, in a separate ‘trash’ file before writing for an hour. An equally procrastonistic grad student says he’s been trying this lately and it’s been working for him. I’ll try just about anything once.
Actually, two days would be plenty of time if I were still functioning at the pace I was at pre-break, but truth is, the combination of unstructured days and an anorexic to do list have spoilt all that. I am cognitively flabby. Binged to bursting on cable TV and 10 hours of sleep a night. It’ll take a week at least to get back into the wimpiest semblance of fighting form.
It was suggested to me recently that an optimum use of time is a warm up for fifteen minutes, on topic, in a separate ‘trash’ file before writing for an hour. An equally procrastonistic grad student says he’s been trying this lately and it’s been working for him. I’ll try just about anything once.
